Trivial Pursuits

“There is no upside to aging, save for that you stop giving a fuck about the trivial pursuits. The ding in the car door, the stain on your shirt. Who gives a bleeding shit—I have real problems. And the real problems I will see in ten years as pointless . . . They call it settling down when it's usually settling for less . . . I don't want to be young again. I have a hard time accepting that I'm as stupid as I am now, much less what an idiot I was back then. I don't want to be young, I just want people my age to stop being so fucking old. I want to see a room full of people my age full to their throat on Ecstasy and wine, not aware or caring that it's a weeknight. I want you to come out of retirement and be alive again.

You are a professional now, you can't behave like that anymore. You are a cop, a stockholder, a leader, a captain of industry. Even people in my own field who became 'successful' and immediately panicked and started walking the straight 'n narrow out of fear of losing status. You could be using that status to find new and inventive ways of fucking around. You know we're dead at the end of this, right?

If you are reading this and your age begins with a 4—chances are you are in a position of medium authority. So do me a favor . . . Fuck something up a little. Tell your kids the truth about at least one thing you've lied about. Steal something. Fuck someone ugly. Skip work and get drunk at noon at a tittie bar. Prank call your higher-ups in the middle of the night and tape it. Remember what a shithead the young you would think you are and change it a little."
—Doug Stanhope