Charlie Sheen's Greatest Hits
"I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching, a total freaking rock star from Mars."
“Yeah. I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?”
"Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way."
"I'm sorry, man, I've got magic. And I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air."
"Every plan I have is the best plan in the room."
"You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like 'Dude, can't handle it! Unplug this bastard!' . . . It fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial realm."
"There is such a thing as too much fun. It gets redundant. How many times can you wake up and struggle to remember your name, her name and where you are?"
"You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That's the whole movie. That's life."
"I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
"The only thing I'm addicted to is winning."
"Fame is empowering. My mistake was that I thought I would instinctively know how to handle it. But there's no manual, no training course."
"I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee . . . they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.'"
"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children. It was epic."
"I’m a high-priest Vatican assassin warlock."
"I’m grandiose. Because I live a grandiose life. I’m not 'aw shucks' . . . because I'm gnarly."
“There’s been a tsunami of media, and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”
"If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently."
"I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill."
“I have a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a seven-year old.”
"Well, I don’t have much of a reputation left to ruin."
"Slash sat me down at his house and said, 'You've got to clean up your act.' You know you've gone too far when Slash is saying, 'Look, you've got to get into rehab.'"
"I've got magic. I've got poetry at my fingertips."
"I don't believe myself to be an addict. I really don't. I think that I just ignore or smash or finally dismiss a model that I think is rooted in vintage balderdash, you know? For lack of a better word."
"I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front."
”I’m a peaceful man with bad intentions.”
"Sure, I did a lot of things in excess. But if you look at the core, the foundation of what I pursued, what red-blooded young American male in my position wouldn't?"
"I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy."
"There have to be more important things going on in the world than my past."